Homeward Bound

Boris and I carry Baron upstairs and welcome him to his new home. Miles is in his highchair eating lunch. I'm so happy to see him. I sit down next to Miles with Baron in my arms and say, "Miles, this is Baron. He's your baby brother." A giant smile spread across Miles' face and he starts waving and blowing kisses to Baron. He repeatedly says, "Hi. Hi Boon (Baron's new nickname for life)." And he asks to hug and kiss Boon and says "baby brother." Amazing. After 5 minutes or so, he does say "bye bye Boon," and I have to tell Miles that Baron is here to stay. I tell him that we're all here to stay. No more running back and forth to the hospital. No more leaving the house and not returning for 7 hours. I get to enjoy the rest of the week at home with all 3 of my boys.

The next few days are familial bliss. Baron is an angel. An absolute angel. He rarely cries, sleeps for 3 or 4 hours at a time (we actually got a few 5 hour stretches out of him) and Miles likes him. At least for now. It's such a stark contrast to the first few months Miles' life. Miles was a madman and for several months would cry for 3-4 hours at a time. He was either asleep, eating, or awake and screaming his brains out. Boris and I lived in fear of the evening as that was when he cried the most and was the least consolable. There was a time when I was terrified of leaving the house with him lest he burst into one of his screaming fits. You couldn't have paid me to go anywhere with him alone. Maybe it's that we're second time parents now and less afraid, or maybe Baron really is an angel baby. But our house is actually calm. I'm not nervous or stressed. All 4 of us go the park and on walks. Baron can be sleeping peacefully and we can pick him up, put him in a car seat or sling and he stays asleep (what!?) or looks up at me and blinks and then goes back to sleep (what!? what!?). He's eating like a champ and gaining weight. It's heaven.

But hell is around the corner and it's preventing me from truly enjoying myself. Knowing that each amazing day with my family brings me one day closer to chemo is torturous. And now that I see how peaceful and happy I am with all of my boys at home (instead of the chaos I was expecting), I'm pissed. It just seems so unfair that I lost an entire week to the NICU. Of course I am thankful that Baron is fine. And I'm thankful that he's home without an infection. But I feel robbed of precious time that I can never get back. And I'm afraid of what lies ahead and wonder if I'll ever get to experience days like I've been having again.